Old men and throwing up are my life now.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
