My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Terrible idea I love it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
