instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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