Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
