I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
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I need you to use more vowels.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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