he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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