Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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