I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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