i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
