I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
