you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
