So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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