I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
