The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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