there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
