She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
