There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize