Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
