Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
