Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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