Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
