I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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