OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
