I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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