I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
