it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Houston, we have a blender
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
