I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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