Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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