All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
