Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
that may or may not have been my penis.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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