remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
