sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
