Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
