Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
