If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
