census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
