Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
