Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
