I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
