I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
