You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
