I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
