some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
