i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
