The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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