I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Ketchup is God's man juice
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
