"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
