I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
