I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
