dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize