curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
