It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
