Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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