we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
