Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
