youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
