I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
